I feel like this has been a very difficult week for everyone. School has just been hard, at times making me feel worthless. I tried helping someone who was looking to hire a tutor for his homework and I found I could not help, even it was rather simple. And so I broke down afterwards. That happened several times this week. I failed a midterm. I haven’t been finishing homework. Anyway I have been waiting for a break but it will never come.
I have lost my emotions more times than I can count, and though it is probably not without precedent, it has certainly been a while since this has been the case. I had been up Thursday night doing homework at the last minute, only finishing less than half before having to click the submit button. I have already been doing poorly in that class too, and my inability to complete one more assignment was unsettling. It was very late at night and I had to wake up early to receive a phone call for possible internship. But my phone would not turn on so I could set an alarm, and I stood there waiting while I lost sleep. I was angry, to say the least. But then I suddenly thought that if I wanted my phone on, I could ask God. The words of James 1:5 came to my head and I felt the need to try it.
Each day passes by and my prayers are usually meaningless and short.
But I asked Heavenly Father if that phone could turn on. And I asked for what I didn’t have – the Holy Ghost. I stopped when my phone seemed to start working again and I just stood there very calmly. It was totally dark and I wondered if I had been inviting evil spirits instead of the Spirit through my actions. But I could not believe that up until that point, I had been a raging emotional mess. At that moment, everything seemed okay.
The call did not come in the morning, but that experience taught me something. That even though I feel like a terrible person, I am still able to receive the Holy Ghost. And that there is some power I can draw for myself through prayer.
I went skiing that night with my friends. I have skied only a few times, but I have been improving. The only thing I haven’t tried is the biggest, steepest slope – ‘Top Gun’, a black diamond trail. So it seemed about time for me to try it, because everyone else already had. My friend told me that I would hate it the first time. When he took me up, he went down very easily. And it was his first time snowboarding. I could not go down even halfway because my skis kept falling off and I had so much trouble moving. I felt really helpless because every time I fell, I would slide down the mountain because it was so steep and putting skis back on without standing was very difficult. It seemed impossible, except that I remembered that each time I have gone skiing, I have been going down steeper and steeper slopes. Each time there was a big difference; this was especially true the first time I had gone skiing, as I had been terrified. In my mind I wished it to be flat and easy. But it was a mountain, and you slide down it. But every time I’ve gone I’ve had to try again and in a few tries, it becomes comfortable. To me, this was the same experience. This slope was so steep that if I didn’t keep cutting into the ice, I would slide down all the way to the bottom on my back. I actually gave up and finished the slope by taking off my skis and sliding down that way. But I realized that I had made a lot of progress in a few times skiing. My friends kept pushing me to do harder things. I’ve never played any sports in my life, and I’ve always thought I was crazy. But I realized that my frustration is a good thing. It help me get through these small trials. And these trials keep getting bigger and bigger very quickly. But learning how to get over them makes people stronger. So I knew that this task will not be difficult for long. Just try it again, and it will work.
I wished today was a day I could relax, but it is not. Parts of me still wish I could be stronger, handsome, athletic, and smart like my friends. But I suppose if I knew that I could do better just by trying, it would make me a better person than I am.